LET’S PLAY HOUSE: WHEN MEN TREAT HOUSING AS A TOOL FOR SEXUAL ACCESS

I’ve been putting off writing this piece because I could not bring my conscious mind to reconcile with what my subconscious had already accepted: men will always choose themselves.

No, I do not think anyone should sacrifice themselves for another if they don’t want to. I do not think anyone should put another above themselves unless they are consciously making that decision knowing the outcomes. I do, however, believe that when they choice is between being humane and satisfying one’s selfish needs, one should choose to be humane. But that choice in itself is a luxurious privilege offered by experiences that teach one what it means to be on the receiving end. Not all of us have the privilege to be on the receiving end hence I will try to be less judgmental and more reconciliatory in this piece. Though, I cannot promise that by the end of it all, either will be achieved. But I think that is the beauty of writing about the nuances of our experiences as two different genders.

So, where do I begin?

I’m no stranger to a housing crisis. If you read UG Escapades, a large chunk of that series is me trying to find accommodation as a first-year student in the University of Ghana. I like to see myself as understanding the intricacies of housing availability and lack thereof, affordable and expensive pricing and the choices owners make when it comes to choosing who to rent their houses to. What, in my wildest dreams, I did not see myself ever encountering is a system of housing that demands sexual relations for a roof over one’s head. Even while I write this, I just cannot comprehend the absurdity of it all.

I like to make jabs of men’s approaches to appealing to women because I find most of them ridiculous but holding housing over someone’s head will remain the peak of inhumane behavior in my eyes. And I’m not writing this in hopes of some sort of punishment for such men, I just need to vent because that is the only way I can try to process this new experience.

I’ve graduated from school. When you graduate, you move out of your dorm. You find an apartment or house to rent and apparently, start living life as an adult. Like any responsible human, I’d rather not wait for the time I’m granted in the dorm to expire before looking for a new place so I start my search, the anxiety that comes with the search, and the restlessness of presuming things won’t go right three months ahead of time. I know, early bird, worm, you get it. So, I downloaded this app everyone recommends using for looking for a place to rent, signed up and started my search.

I found advertisements that blatantly lied about the cost of the places they were renting. I honestly do not blame them. Istanbul is a hell hole of a place, crowded to the brim with everyone looking for a place to stay. I wouldn’t lie about the cost of rent, but I do understand the need to get people to at least take a look at the place even if they are doing so under false knowledge of the cost.

Next, I encountered people who were looking for housemates but it could not be a foreigner. I am no stranger to discrimination, racism, stereotypes, and the sense of not belonging. Look, I am a black woman. Of all the disenfranchised groups of people around, you could put us under the hierarchy and no one would bat an eye. Is it the patriarchy? Well, women are lower but you know what black women are? The lowest. Is it race? Black people are at the bottom but you know what black women are? If there is a bottom of the bottom, that’s exactly where we are. So, I do not have high expectations of people’s behaviors towards me lest I find myself wallowing in disappointment for the castle of false hopes I raised by myself. So, when that individual asked me to send my Instagram profile, came back a few seconds later to say “Yabancılar olmaz” (no foreigners) then blocked me before I could even read the message and respond, I wasn’t shocked. In fact, I was relieved they didn’t use the opportunity to be racist of do something worse. After that experience, I changed my tactic, always asked the rent providers if they were taking foreigners before even asking if the place is available for rent and what the cost is. If they say no foreigners, I respect their choice and end it there.

Then I found the men who put up “Ev arkadaşı arıyorum” (I’m looking for a housemate) signs. But they are only looking for women to be their housemates. This alone should have been my first red flag. But my naivety in believing that men would not hold residence over a woman’s head led me to ignore the red flags. I thought for sure if men do not hold rent over another man’s house, then why would they do so over a woman’s? oh how naïve of me? I reached out to a few, asked if they do not mind foreigners, what the cost of rent is, what their expectations are etc. The conversations always began like any normal conversation, they’d state the cost of rent, ask for a picture, what work you’re doing, where you schooled, normal questions to determine if you can afford rent and the type of person you are. But behind those is something more sinister.

I’ve gotten to a point where I do not know how to explain the experience. That’s another thing about patriarchy and misogyny or any sort of discrimination. It has you questioning the validity of your response to your experience. It has you wanting to be able to communicate your experiences in a way that will not open the door to unwelcome criticism. It has you wanting to package your communication in hopes of what you are communicating being accepted instead of being judged.

Anyway, they ask all those questions and you think oh we are making progress. I may actually get a place to rent. So, then you ask, hey can I see pictures of the room? Is it a shared room or an individual room? As someone’s who’s lived in shared rooms since high school, the last thing I want to do as I begin my journey into adulthood is share a room with someone else. I’d rather sleep on the street honestly. I just do not have the strength to share space anymore. You ask these questions and suddenly they tell you, it’s a shared room. Not only is it a shared room, but it’s also a shared bed. Sir, why would I want to share a bed with you when I do not even want to share a room to begin with? If I wanted a shared room, I would have looked up dorms not rooms for rent. And why are you advertising a shared bed under room for rent or looking for housemates? I can forgive lying about the cost of rent, but lying about the existence of a room for rent is just shamelessly diabolical.

I was visibly shocked the first time a guy said, it’s a shared bed. I just could not understand why you’d want to rent a bed you are sleeping in. Like, how does that work? I kept questioning myself. And since the conversation was in Turkish, I thought I had lost my Turkish skills and did not understand what he meant. So, I went to Google translate, Chat GPT, Claude, and Gemini. They all repeated my own understanding of what he had said, it was a shared bed. A shared fucking bed for 9,000TL? What do you mean? Is the housing crisis really that bad in Istanbul that people would pay 9kTL to share a bed? Wow! You know what, I’d rather book a hotel and lodge there for a few days before becoming homeless.

And he had the audacity to ask me if sharing a bed would work after I told him no to sharing a room. Dude, why would you think I want to share a bed when I said I do not want to share even a room with two beds? I do not understand. And this scenario repeated itself 3 different times before I gave up on searching for a house to rent. You’d see an advertisement for a house for rent only to talk to the one renting and realize they have one bedroom, one bed and their intent is to rent half of the bed. Saying it right now sounds so ludicrous. What do you mean you are renting half of the bed you sleep in? Make it make sense! After these three encounters, I had still not realized that the entire bed for rent was a ploy with a deeper, more sinister intent behind it.

It was when I encountered the 4th and 5th people renting homes that it all began to unravel for me. Both 4th and 5th advertised a separate room for rent. Plot twist, the 4th has a second bedroom that is for rent but has no bed. Yes, I am just as flabbergasted as you are. Why is it being advertised if there is no bed in the room? What am I supposed to do? Levitate in my sleep? His reasoning? He’d buy a bed after someone rents the room. Huh? You heard me right! I am losing braincells from just recounting these encounters. I, of course, asked him where the renter is supposed to sleep before he buys the bed. He responded, oh he and the renter will share a bed during that period. Even vampires do not share one coffin. What is going on here? Why did you lie in the advertisement? If I hadn’t questioned it all, I would have paid, moved into the house only to realize I’d either levitate at night or share a bed. Ei! Ewurade! Anyway, that was the end of my conversation with the 4th. I’m not about to waste my time on a man who thinks women possess the power to levitate.

The 5th. This one actually has a separate room with a bed, a table and just a normal room for rent. I thought, finally someone who actually does want to rent a room. Boy, was I wrong! After the usual introduction, we jumped on a call to discuss expectations. Man started saying he wants someone he can agree on everything with. At first, I was like ok, obviously if you are living in a house with someone, you’d want them to be agreeable on some rules. I told him, I do not like conflict, if there are any concerns we can discuss and come to a solution. But no, what he meant was he wanted someone who’d be paying him rent but he’d also be able to sleep with that person with no other expectations. He didn’t want to say that out loud because I’m sure deep down he knows how ludicrous it sounded. I literally had to ask several times what his expectations of a housemate was to even get close to understanding that he wanted someone he could have sex with at his will.

There I sat asking the universe if I had done something offensive. Because coming across all these people in the span of a few days is surely not normal. I asked the 5th why not just get a sex worker, a girlfriend, a wife or someone that actually wants the position instead of advertising accommodation and having sinister expectations? His reasoning is, you could get infections from a sex worker and people would gossip about you, relationships have too many expectations, but a housemate has no such risks. I stood watching the explanations bamboozled. This man intentionally reduced the cost of the rent to attract unsuspecting women from whom he then expects sex. I wished him the best in life and ended it at that. I’d rather not lose more braincells.

The 4th texted me a few days ago now proposing to pay me money to sleep with him. I am just offended by the fact that I had forgotten to block the man which allowed him to come back and disrespect me like that. A lesson learned.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think looking for accommodation would expose me to the inner workings of men’s expectations when they perceive themselves as having the upper hand. Maybe writing this is my way of reclaiming space even if I have still found no place to stay. I honestly have no other way to end this piece because I am still coming to terms with the fact that women’s bodies will continue to be seen as objects to please men for a long time to come.